Silenzio

Silenzio is a musical term refferring to silence, or the lack of reverberations.

Well silence doesn't seem much like music, does it? No, I would have to agree with you, it doesn't. Rests, grand pauses, breath marks, and other such catches in the music are essential, but silence? That's not music. It's almost the opposite of music.

And that's been my life for the past couple of days. Hence the reason my blog has been pretty silenzio. Last Sunday I figured out that my youngest brother had been hospitalized because he was exhibiting flu like symptoms.

"Oh poor bud!" I thought, but I wasn't that concerned. He was going to get some antibiotics, he'd be able to keep down a meal, no big deal.

That night he was sent by ambulance to the city where I'm living, three and a half hours away from them. I went to the hospital that Monday on the pediatric floor, only to find out that he had congestive heart failure. My whole world felt like it had been pulled out from underneath me. My musical life fell silenzio.

I paced in the hallway, praying. My Mom was having a meltdown, my Grandma was crying, and I just kept thinking, how is this happening? I mean, people always say that you never think it's going to be you, but it's always someone. But I honestly thought it would never be me. I knew what they said, but I figured that I was the one person that was right. It never was going to be in this situation.

I was wrong.

This week has been a rollar coaster. I've been going in and out of the hospital, and back and forth from school. On Saturday my brother went in to surgery for an artifical heart, and was put on the list for a heart transplant. The surgery went well, and he's doing alright now. He was sedated for most of the day yesterday though he was waking up a bit.

I just, I don't even know how to coherently express what's happening. Which is something weird for me, because I've always been able to write and it's always been pretty fluid. But my brain just doesn't want to think in any kind of sequential order, and I can't possibly write in a way that makes sense if my thoughts are jumping all over the place.

You'll just have to bear with me. I'm unable to break this silenzio and make a piece of music today.

But regardless! I'm still trusting in God, still believing that my brother going to get better, still praising my saviour. Nothing will change that. But things aren't easy or carefree right now. They just are. They just happen. I'm just taking one note at a time, and sometimes even that's too much. Which is why silence seems like the best option right now.

Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

I was at the hospital with my Mom and Dad all weekend. Me and my Mom migrated back and forth from a house they have set up for people with hospitalized kids, and the pediatric icu's waiting room. There was a lot of sitting, a lot of waiting, a lot of the Food Network, this weekend. The Pastor from my parents town came and he prayed with us, prayed with Austin. One of the Pastors from my church went and prayed for him. The children's ministry, women's ministry, my classmates, have all been praying on his behalf. He's such a loved little boy and I just can't wait until he gets better.

I had a bit of a breakdown on Friday, because I felt useless. Like I was just wandering around the hospital, forever and ever, around and around, unable to do anything but wait. Since then though I've really been feeling God's strength. Peace. I don't understand it, but I'm thankful for it.

I'm going out tonight for my evening class. Trying to keep a regular routine is critical right now. It's also helping to keep me sane, and it necessitates that I'm in the church a lot. That's honestly the best place I can be right now. On Friday I just wanted to go to church, curl up on the floor, and stay there until this whole thing blows over. I still kind of think that wouldn't be so bad, but I have to not run away. I have to be there for my tough little brother, for my Mom, for my family. God has comforted me for a reason, and I have to just--I don't know. Be a comfort to others.

Wow, so that's that. Silenzio. It's not so much that it's quiet, just that there isn't music happening. I'm sure you can tell. There will be praise, there will be prayer, there will be worship, and there will be waiting on God. But life might not be a symphony right now.

Okay--a word of encouragement.

Sometimes we need that silenzio so that we can finally listen to God. It's when there's silence that the band can reorient themselves, focus on the conductor, and prepare for the next song.

That's what I'm doing right now.

--*

*Today I'm not a trumpet player, today I am silent. Today I am waiting. Today I have the trumpet on my lap and I'm breathing, watching the conductor flip the page, and keeping my eyes on the baton. As soon as he lifts it the trumpet goes up. For now--we wait. For now,there is silenzio.