Ed

Ed is simply the "musical term" (for lack of a better word) for 'and'.

And that's the only word I can put to today. It just seems to have been that questioning, "and?" sort of a day.

So, I was out late last night, helping my friend tear down after a woman's night at the church. The night was tons of fun, with lots of great food and great people. The tear down was actually fun too. I told my friend that it felt more like I was cleaning up after an event at my house than at the Church. That's just how much like home the sanctuary feels to me now. It was pretty cool, for sure.

But by the time all was said and done and I was in my bed, I think it was close to midnight. So this morning when my alarm went off at six fifteen, I set it for another twenty minutes later. "And?"

And I slept for another twenty minutes.

Then I got up.

I know, this is so riveting you can't beleive that I didn't pick a more exciting musical term for today.

Then I caught a ride with the French Horn* and went to school. It was an amicable ride, nothing particularly exciting or not exciting about it. "And?"

And then I went to school.

*That is, Amoroso, for all you who missed my explanation yesterday about why he's a French Horn now.

School was alright. We had two of my favorite classes in a row, but the students in my class were talking so much and it was driving me crazy. I just wanted to listen to the super intense lecture the teacher was giving about the Nephillim, but I had to listen to all these side remarks from the people all around me instead.

It was frusterating.

"And?"

And it was frusterating, what else can be said about it?

Then I came home. My Grandma and Uncle went to the hospital, and I just kind of milled around for the afternoon, studying, showering, and doing the other things that needed to be done before I could go myself. Except I'm going tomorrow so I've decided that I'm just going to stay home tonight. I think I had kind of pre-determined that before I even got home, but there was the chance that I might go anyways. There still kind of is, even though there wouldn't be much of a point now. It takes about an hour to bus out there, and an hour to bus back. (That's if you're lucky and make the connecting busses without any grief.) And the busses stop running at eleven, so I'd only be there for a couple hours before I'd have to turn around and come back.

I know this is a really greulling blog post to read. I'm sorry. It's a pretty boring one to write too. I want to post something but I don't really know what's happening with me right now. It's not that I'm bottling my emotions per-say, but I just don't really know what I'm feeling. I'm not sure if I'm feeling anything.

I think the reason I held onto Amoroso/French Horn is because I knew how I felt about him. All giddy and whatever when he talked to me, ticked off and envious when he talked to B Flat. It was pretty clear cut.

Since I've let go, and decided to set aside all those Amoroso feelings for now, I have no idea how I feel about anything.

My brother. He's in the hospital and I can't do anything but pray, and believe he's going to be okay. But how do I feel about that? Angry? Not really. Upset? Not even. Helpless? Sure, maybe.

My parents, they're stuck at the hospital, trapped in this perpetual world where they have to deal with every slightly good, slightly bad, or neutral thing that happens to my brother. I'm worried about my Mom, I'm happy my Dad is coping okay, I'm thankful for all the little good things that happen, and I praise God for them.

I think.

See the thing is, there's really no intense emotion rolling around inside of me right now. I have my moments. The ones where I'm rejoicing because God is so good for taking care of my little brother. The ones where I'm breaking down because having him playing video games is the closest thing to normal that we've had in awhile. The ones where I'm flooded with guilt for not going to the hospital every second of my life, the ones where I'm admant that I never want to step foot in that building again. The ones where I'm fearful for the future, the ones where I'm positive everything is going to be amazing, and I'm believing God for complete, miraculous healing.

But right now.

Ed.

There's nothing before, there's nothing after, there's no indication of how I'm supposed to play this part of the song or even what's coming.

I'm at a loss. I've been talking with one of my friends from school, and she's been telling me that it's okay to rant to her, it's not good to bottle my emotions, and all that. But today I realized--it's not really that I'm bottling my emotions it's more like--I don't know how I feel.

I guess that's part of the reason I really wanted to blog something today. Even if it was a repetitive strand of meaningless sentances ending in Ed and expectation. Because I want to sort out what's happening.

And still. I don't know. I feel completely at a loss. Now that I've stopped distracting myself with Amoroso feelings, I realize I don't even know how I feel about Amoroso himself. Do I even like him? As a human, sure. He makes me laugh when he's noticing that I'm sitting right beside him. Do I care if him and B Flat get together? Sure, maybe. But I think for the most part that's because that would mean he wasn't the person I thought he was.

But no one ever really is, are they?

I don't know. My sister is coming into the city tomorrow (or perhaps tonight), and I just really want to talk to her. I can gush my stupid Amoroso business, I can vent my irriation with my indifference towards everything, I can rave about the confusion that's happening inside of my stomach with my brother.

But I need someone to just--be here. Talk to me. It's not that my friend isn't good enough, it's not that I don't trust her, it's not anything like that. It's just that we don't have that kind of time to go over the innerworkings of my being. She has a family, which brings with it a huge element of busy-ness. And she's working through a lot of her own feelings right now. We're mutually there for eachother, but me and my sister pretty much are eachother. She'll know what I'm talking about when I tell her that I have no idea how I feel about this whole thing.

And, of course, I can pray about it.

I seem to have forgotten that is an option. God knows me better than I know myself. Surely He'll be able to help me figure this out.

Nevertheless, I can't wait to see my sister. I've missed her a lot. When she was here, we we're in and out, up and down, swirling around, the hospital. We didn't really have any time to just communicate with eachother. And that's what we're the best at. She's the one who knows every single, deep, dark, dirty, secret about my life. And she still loves me. Which is pretty cool. We have our spats, but God definitely pre-destined us for eachother, and we're pretty great friends. She's such a blessing to me.

Though I have to admit it makes me crazy that she's in Karate and keeps talking about it. I love you Flute* but stop rubbing it in! 

*She's a Flute player, through and through. Not nearly as cool as a Trumpet Player, but pretty okay anyways.

So I suppose if I want to put a positive spin on this (to offset my negative spin yesterday) I'll say this. Even if you don't know what's before, or what's after, your Ed, there's still time to figure it out. What do I mean by that?

I think right now we're just getting handed a new sheet of music and we haven't figured out what all the musical terms are yet. I mean, I'm sure there is something before the Ed, and after it. Maybe its Amoroso Ed Legato. Maybe it's Andante Ed Brillante. Who knows? But we have time to search it out, learn the music, ask the Conductor. We have time to practice. There's no pressure.

"And?"

And once we know we'll make a beautiful song together. Just you wait and see.

-Trumpet Player