To play con dolore is to play with sadness, and I suppose that would have to sum up what my post is about.
I'll start with the less obvious of the two things that have been causing me to play my tune con dolore lately. I've been reflecting, just on life, and I'm not entirely sure I'm happy with it. Not that there's anything particularly wrong in my life, don't get me wrong, I'm just not satisfied. I want to be living a fulfilling life, one that spends itself for God and for the other people He has put in my life. I want to venture on evangelistic endeavors, and see hearts and lives changed for Jesus Christ.
But I don't.
And I thought to myself, isn't that the most important thing? What have I been doing with my life? If I were to die today, what would people say about me. Sure I'm ambitious, dedicated, hardworking, whatever. I get good grades, I excel at stuff. But would they say that I'm hospitable, that I love God, that peoples lives were changed by me? Not even by me. By God working through me?
I doubt it.
And then I got to thinking about people in my life, and the people that I don't really know. Don't really spend time with. And the list is extensive. I spend time with the people that are immediately around me at the particular time. And then they all fall away and I'm left--this island unto myself.
Maybe I'm just being dramatic, but it's made me sad. Con dolore.
I also went to my Auntie's funeral today. It was actually a celebration of life, so a lot better than a funeral, but still. It's really weird that she's gone, and I never really spent a lot of time with her. She invited me out to her acreage to spend a couple days and whatever, and I never went. Which sucks. Because now I can't. And I feel like some kind of impostor, grieving that she's gone. Her sisters can grieve, her husband can grieve, her children can grieve. Who am I that I'm sad that she's gone? I didn't know her like everyone else did. And even though I wish that I did, I didn't, so how can I be sad? I feel like I'm pretending, even though I'm not.
I don't know.
But to add to the depth of the instruction to play Con Dolore today, I learned that my great grandma died. It's weird, I feel like it's not going to stop there. This sadness, the death. I feel like we're starting some kind of weird phase, and I'm scared about it.
I'm just--not so much myself right now and I wanted to vent a little bit. Get it out there. Play my song with as much dolore as possible, and share it with the world. It's this catharsis of sorts. Purging of emotion.
I know it probably doesn't make much sense, but I just want to change. Be someone better. Be someone different.
I don't know if that even makes any sense.
Well--hopefully God just uses this feeling to break me, change me. Turn my meaningless string of sad notes into a song that will impact others. That's all a Trumpet can ask for, right? That their song reaches somebody else? Or are we supposed to play with the intent to be heard by one?
--Trumpet Player
