Ed

Ed is simply the "musical term" (for lack of a better word) for 'and'.

And that's the only word I can put to today. It just seems to have been that questioning, "and?" sort of a day.

So, I was out late last night, helping my friend tear down after a woman's night at the church. The night was tons of fun, with lots of great food and great people. The tear down was actually fun too. I told my friend that it felt more like I was cleaning up after an event at my house than at the Church. That's just how much like home the sanctuary feels to me now. It was pretty cool, for sure.

But by the time all was said and done and I was in my bed, I think it was close to midnight. So this morning when my alarm went off at six fifteen, I set it for another twenty minutes later. "And?"

And I slept for another twenty minutes.

Then I got up.

I know, this is so riveting you can't beleive that I didn't pick a more exciting musical term for today.

Then I caught a ride with the French Horn* and went to school. It was an amicable ride, nothing particularly exciting or not exciting about it. "And?"

And then I went to school.

*That is, Amoroso, for all you who missed my explanation yesterday about why he's a French Horn now.

School was alright. We had two of my favorite classes in a row, but the students in my class were talking so much and it was driving me crazy. I just wanted to listen to the super intense lecture the teacher was giving about the Nephillim, but I had to listen to all these side remarks from the people all around me instead.

It was frusterating.

"And?"

And it was frusterating, what else can be said about it?

Then I came home. My Grandma and Uncle went to the hospital, and I just kind of milled around for the afternoon, studying, showering, and doing the other things that needed to be done before I could go myself. Except I'm going tomorrow so I've decided that I'm just going to stay home tonight. I think I had kind of pre-determined that before I even got home, but there was the chance that I might go anyways. There still kind of is, even though there wouldn't be much of a point now. It takes about an hour to bus out there, and an hour to bus back. (That's if you're lucky and make the connecting busses without any grief.) And the busses stop running at eleven, so I'd only be there for a couple hours before I'd have to turn around and come back.

I know this is a really greulling blog post to read. I'm sorry. It's a pretty boring one to write too. I want to post something but I don't really know what's happening with me right now. It's not that I'm bottling my emotions per-say, but I just don't really know what I'm feeling. I'm not sure if I'm feeling anything.

I think the reason I held onto Amoroso/French Horn is because I knew how I felt about him. All giddy and whatever when he talked to me, ticked off and envious when he talked to B Flat. It was pretty clear cut.

Since I've let go, and decided to set aside all those Amoroso feelings for now, I have no idea how I feel about anything.

My brother. He's in the hospital and I can't do anything but pray, and believe he's going to be okay. But how do I feel about that? Angry? Not really. Upset? Not even. Helpless? Sure, maybe.

My parents, they're stuck at the hospital, trapped in this perpetual world where they have to deal with every slightly good, slightly bad, or neutral thing that happens to my brother. I'm worried about my Mom, I'm happy my Dad is coping okay, I'm thankful for all the little good things that happen, and I praise God for them.

I think.

See the thing is, there's really no intense emotion rolling around inside of me right now. I have my moments. The ones where I'm rejoicing because God is so good for taking care of my little brother. The ones where I'm breaking down because having him playing video games is the closest thing to normal that we've had in awhile. The ones where I'm flooded with guilt for not going to the hospital every second of my life, the ones where I'm admant that I never want to step foot in that building again. The ones where I'm fearful for the future, the ones where I'm positive everything is going to be amazing, and I'm believing God for complete, miraculous healing.

But right now.

Ed.

There's nothing before, there's nothing after, there's no indication of how I'm supposed to play this part of the song or even what's coming.

I'm at a loss. I've been talking with one of my friends from school, and she's been telling me that it's okay to rant to her, it's not good to bottle my emotions, and all that. But today I realized--it's not really that I'm bottling my emotions it's more like--I don't know how I feel.

I guess that's part of the reason I really wanted to blog something today. Even if it was a repetitive strand of meaningless sentances ending in Ed and expectation. Because I want to sort out what's happening.

And still. I don't know. I feel completely at a loss. Now that I've stopped distracting myself with Amoroso feelings, I realize I don't even know how I feel about Amoroso himself. Do I even like him? As a human, sure. He makes me laugh when he's noticing that I'm sitting right beside him. Do I care if him and B Flat get together? Sure, maybe. But I think for the most part that's because that would mean he wasn't the person I thought he was.

But no one ever really is, are they?

I don't know. My sister is coming into the city tomorrow (or perhaps tonight), and I just really want to talk to her. I can gush my stupid Amoroso business, I can vent my irriation with my indifference towards everything, I can rave about the confusion that's happening inside of my stomach with my brother.

But I need someone to just--be here. Talk to me. It's not that my friend isn't good enough, it's not that I don't trust her, it's not anything like that. It's just that we don't have that kind of time to go over the innerworkings of my being. She has a family, which brings with it a huge element of busy-ness. And she's working through a lot of her own feelings right now. We're mutually there for eachother, but me and my sister pretty much are eachother. She'll know what I'm talking about when I tell her that I have no idea how I feel about this whole thing.

And, of course, I can pray about it.

I seem to have forgotten that is an option. God knows me better than I know myself. Surely He'll be able to help me figure this out.

Nevertheless, I can't wait to see my sister. I've missed her a lot. When she was here, we we're in and out, up and down, swirling around, the hospital. We didn't really have any time to just communicate with eachother. And that's what we're the best at. She's the one who knows every single, deep, dark, dirty, secret about my life. And she still loves me. Which is pretty cool. We have our spats, but God definitely pre-destined us for eachother, and we're pretty great friends. She's such a blessing to me.

Though I have to admit it makes me crazy that she's in Karate and keeps talking about it. I love you Flute* but stop rubbing it in! 

*She's a Flute player, through and through. Not nearly as cool as a Trumpet Player, but pretty okay anyways.

So I suppose if I want to put a positive spin on this (to offset my negative spin yesterday) I'll say this. Even if you don't know what's before, or what's after, your Ed, there's still time to figure it out. What do I mean by that?

I think right now we're just getting handed a new sheet of music and we haven't figured out what all the musical terms are yet. I mean, I'm sure there is something before the Ed, and after it. Maybe its Amoroso Ed Legato. Maybe it's Andante Ed Brillante. Who knows? But we have time to search it out, learn the music, ask the Conductor. We have time to practice. There's no pressure.

"And?"

And once we know we'll make a beautiful song together. Just you wait and see.

-Trumpet Player  

  

Ad Libitum

Ad Libitum (Ad Lib): Freely, at choice, at pleasure. An insturment in the score may be omitted, style and speed are at the player's discretion.

Today, I made a decision to free myself. To start Ad libbing, and just see where we go from there. I've honestly just been so torn around by this Amoroso business, and I can't handle it anymore. Having my heart slamming in my chest everytime I think about him and B Flat, on top of the stomach roiling sensation I get everytime I think about my brother? I just can't put up with it. So I've decided that I'm not going to put any time, effort, energy, or thought into Amoroso. I'm not saying I can't be a friend to him, but I'm just not going to think of him as Amoroso anymore. He can be a French Horn or something.

Why did I make this decision you ask? Well, let me tell you.

Lately, he's seemed a little weird around me, and a little--how to put this--not weird, around B Flat. A small group of us from the class went out for lunch on Tuesday, and he sat by her, talking and laughing, and virtually ignoring me. Or, that's my perception. But I'm a girl, so, that may not have been how it actually went. But have I mentioned that she's a lot more forward than me?

Then we went and watched a movie with a guy from our Church. The guy from Church, me, French Horn, and B Flat. The whole situation was okay, but not an amazing 'I'm hanging out with Amoroso' situation. Because B Flat was there, and Amoroso was weird.

He drove me home, but not before picking up his brother. And his brother (he'd be a bass instrument) introduced me to some of his friends with a bit of suggesting/teasing intination. And I let myself run wild with that. "Oh my goodness, does he know that Amoroso likes me and he says that because he's teasing him without coming out and saying it?"

I know. Pathetic. I was home for about an hour before he came and picked me up for ministry that night. I was with the kids, he was with the youth, I didn't have to watch him out of the corner of my eye all night.

He drove me home, and it was fine. I'm on top of the world. Whatever.

And then there was this stupid video on some dumb social networking site with Amoroso and B Flat today, and it crushes me! Why? It's not like it was a video of them kissing or anything, but it kills me because it means they spent the day together yesterday.

And why should I care? I'm so fed up with being bound up by this thing that I'm just going to let it go. I'm going to Ad Lib. Stray off the score because the score is driving me crazy with all those stupid lines and dots. It's too complicated. Too much work. I'm done.

An Ad Libitum is generally written into the score and accounted for. There is a time and a place for Ad libbing. But I'm really not sure if what I'm doing is a scripted Ad Libitum, or not. I've just decided to do it anyways. Maybe I'm in the middle of a performance and I'm clicking my keys, and pretending I know what's going on, or maybe I'm striking out independantly in the middle of a great jazzy piece, and blowing everyone away with my amazing solo. It's hard to say.

There was a lot of symbolism in that paragraph. I guess I should explain it, while I'm ranting, raving, and whining.

If I'm just making stuff up in the middle of the piece, and doing my own thing, then I'm making a fool of myself while I'm supposed to be playing with the French Horn, and the B Flat Trumpet, and all the other instruments. Maybe, maybe, one day I'll finally be able to tell him I like him and he'll miraculously tell me that he's liked me all this time too. Maybe. And if I'm disregarding the score so that I can make stuff up because I'm done reading the music, I could be missing out on what's supposed to be happening. I could be messing up the piece.

But I can't really see how me obessing over him and B Flat is really what's supposed to be happening. It's just stressing me out. But I can't be liking him and not freaking out when she's with him.

Which brings me to the next point. If the band IS playing this epic jazz piece and I'm ad libbing, well. That's where I'm striking out independantly and leaving behind the confining, restricting, down right, scripted score, to show everyone how amazing I am. I'm striding in the Trumpet's favorite place. The limelight. As a result, I'm making the song that much better because I'm solo-ing when I'm supposed to be.

But even though I'm trying, trying to play freely, at my discretion, by my rules, I don't know if I can.

He smiled at me today as I was leaving class and I almost melted. Again, my heart was racing, thinking, maybe he does like me.

And I'm so sick of it! Stupid, gushy, heart fluttering, obessive, boy liking, brain! Focus on God, focus on your brother, focus on life, but don't focus on this. It doesn't matter if he likes her, it doesn't matter if he smiles or doesn't, texts or doesn't, acknowledges your existence or doesn't. Get over it. Move on. Ad Lib. This score sucks.

-Trumpet Player

Divisi

When playing a band, or orchestral peice you may encounter a divisi. This indicates that those specific players (trumpet, clarinet, flute, whichever) are to divide into two groups. One group will take the upper portion of the divisi, and the other group, will take the lower. In my experience, it's generally a pretty simple process. You decide which portion you would rather take, and you talk it over with those in your instrument group. Most of the time, some want the upper, and some want the lower.  No harm, no foul.

But what if there are too many players that are fighting over a portion of the divisi. Especailly if there are only two players, well, then you have a problem.

 Explanation: I am talking about Amoroso and a mysterious, 'other player.' She's this 2nd B Flat Trumpet that is fighting with me over the divisi. (I am about ninety eight point five percent sure that she likes Amoroso.) Except, heres the thing, I'm not really entitled to fight over either portion of the divisi, considering I haven't even told Amoroso that I like him, nevermind told her that I like him! So how can I really say anything?

And then here's the other thing. I figured out because 2nd B Flat was whispering to a girl in my class after he left the room and they were being all giggly and stuff. I jumped in because I'm nosy and paranoid, and asked them what they were talking about. They said something about 2nd B Flat liking a guy and I just knew. It hit me like a slap in the face. But I feigned innocence, just incase, and asked if I knew who it was. She joked around, saying no, but my classmate told me that 2nd B Flat was lying to me, and we all laughed about it.

In the car with my classmate I asked her if it was Amoroso, because 2nd B Flat was getting a ride with Amoroso, and it just seemed like the appropriate question to ask. (Doesn't that just kill you though? We were following right behind the two of them and I could watch them in the car in front of us talking and laughing.) Anyways, my classmate told me that she couldn't tell me (which means yes) and I had to pretend that it was funny and I could care less if the answer was yes.

Which also means that I couldn't possibly tell him that I like him now! (Not that I was really planning on it anyways.) But even if I wanted to, I couldn't, because then it would seem like I am telling him just because I know that 2nd B Flat likes him and I want to be a jerk. Which totally isn't the case. But I feel totally threatened because I feel like Amoroso likes 2nd B Flat better than me anyways. Like, as a human being. I don't even know if he has any kind of interest in either of us.

So to answer your question, yes, this is turning into the dramatic unfolding of Trumpet Player, and the uncanny likeness of her life to a high school sitcom.

I don't know what to do though! I feel like grabbing him by the shoulders and shouting in a wild, frenzied panic "I really like you, more than I've ever liked anyone and it's really confusing but please don't tell me that you and 2nd B Flat are a thing!"

But I can't do that. Because it would be weird. And imagine if he didn't like me back (which is still a possibility). He'd come to pick me up, because he'd still be my ride because he's just that kind of nice guy, and I'd have to say "Uhm, hey Amoroso. Do you maybe want to pop the trunk so I can crawl in and die?"

Wow, gone are the days when my blog posts were intelligent, and witty, and incorporated a lot of actual musical knowledge.

Truthfully though, I just feel challanged in this whole thing to trust God. If Amoroso and I are meant to be, then it will be. If 2nd B Flat and Amoroso are meant to be, then they will be. I have to willing to let God work His will, because that's the best thing for all of us anyways. I can't get in the way, or be a crazy, psychotic, girl about this whole thing. I never realized what liking a boy does to a person though.

Before: Wow, I'm really glad that you are a well balanced individual that can communicate effectively with a member of the opposite sex. 

After: WHY IS HE TALKING TO HER?!?!?! *Sputters on the ground, making choking noises and dissolving into a puddle of envious goo.*

I feel like I'm living in a divisi right now for more reasons than one though. And I'm unsure whether I can make it to the higher notes of the upper range, and I'm unwilling to take the lower.

I've always been pretty motivated, and if someone tells me that I can't do something, then I want to prove them wrong and do it! But I don't always prove myself, and instead, I fall flat on my face. Sometimes, I get up and try again, and sometimes I skitter away.

I don't know whether I should take the chance in this performance, say to my cohorts that I will take the upper range, and risk falling on my face. Messing up the performance for, not only me, but the entire band. Or should I take the lower range, the safe place, my comfort zone?

If I pop up, I take the challange, and the glory. I might experience something amazing that I would otherwise miss out on. If I drop down to the lower portion, I might keep myself from making a fool of a bunch of people.

I don't know what to do.

Honestly, I'm not one hundred percent sure what I'm referring to. Just life. There have been a lot of hurdles to hurdle, and a lot of things bombarding me from every direction. And yet I still keep playing my song, and now I'm at a crossroads. I have a choice to make. Do I keep taking risks, popping up, playing high, or do I drop down and stay comfortable, tenderly walk in a way as to not disrupt anything.

You know what, I'm a Trumpet Player. I want to disrupt things. In the best way possible. I want to make a splash and let everyone know that I am here, in all of my glory! It is not my way to drop down.

I'm gonna take a risk. (Some of you diehard, devotees of mine are wondering if that means I'm going to tell Amoroso, and the answer is no. You're so silly for thinking that I mean this boy situation. I simply cannot be the risky, gutsy, Trumpet Player I am in this situation. I have to be careful so I don't hurt myself, or anyone else.) I'm going to do things that scare me, and maybe, just maybe, things will come out alright on the flip-side.

-Trumpet Player

Tutta Forza

So I guess God is telling me to pick up the Trumpet again.

On Tuesday I had a very determined individual from my class approach me. She was holding a black case, and an armload of music. She thrust them into my hands and told me that they were for me. She just knew that God was telling her to give me this SILVER TRUMPET, and she knew there was some meaning behind it but she wasn't sure what it was. She went on to explain that she had been dreaming about me and this Trumpet before she had ever met me. In the dream there was this shy* girl who was playing a kind of brassy Trumpet in the sanctuary. But then all of a sudden the Trumpet turned silver and the girl started to play really loudly, and confidently, dancing and playing the song of the Lord.

*beleive it or not, I'm actually pretty shy in person. Get me going though and you can really see the Trumpet Player emerge.

It didn't sink in until after I had finished bustling around helping out with the children's ministry what had just happened. I went and found her and asked her, "Are you sure?" Because a silver Trumpet is something special. It carries with it a mark of professionalism, expertise, comittment.

She laughed, and said that yes, she was absolutely sure.

I was thinking of the name Raphael for it, just because it sounds so awesome and majestic. I looked up the meaning and now I feel pretty certain that this Trumpet is named Raphael. It means "God heals/it is God who heals/God please heal." That totally fits with everything that is happening right now, and it just seems like another sign that God is telling me to pick up the Trumpet again.

Which brings us to our music term for the day. Tutta Forza. It means: full power. As loud as possible.

And that's what I'm determined to do! Pick up my Trumpet again and play it Tutta Forza! I'm going to live this life, and I'm going to live it for God! I waited for Him and He told me what to do. Start coming at this thing, full force! I'm going to pray for my brother, and beleive for His healing, because it is God who heals!

He has been doing a lot better. He was moved out of the icu yesterday, and he's uncomforatble today, but doing good. He got to play in a special facility in the hospital for sick kids, and it looks like he had a good time. I only saw pictures today, but every day he looks better. And not just a little bit better, a lot! I know he's going to be okay, one hundred percent. There is just no way that my little brother is not going to make it through this.    

He's been sleeping/drowsy every time I've gone to see him, and he doesn't really talk to me, or look at me or anything. Which, kind of makes me paranoid. I think that he's mad at me, or doesn't want me there, or won't know that I'm there for him. It seems like every time I don't go to the hospital he's up and about, and I just don't want him to think that I don't love him. I've been worrying about this a little more than I need to, really. I'm sure he knows that I care, and I'm sure he's not mad at me, just tired.

Still. Sometimes as humans we take on worries we know aren't true because maybe we think we need something to worry about to function properly.

Deep, I know. You didn't think this Trumpet Player had it in her. I must just be feeding off this book I'm reading right now that delves pretty deep into the human psyche. In a weird sort of humourous, offhanded way. Actually, the only reason I'm reading the book is because Amoroso likes it. Someone in my class made a reference to it and he couldn't beleive they knew what it was. And I was like "I have to read this book."

When I started it I was kind of like, "Really? What's all the hype about this book?"

And now I'm over halfway through it. I guess it has something going for it. I never thought I would be one of "those" girls though, who reads a book because a guy she likes happens to like it. Oh well. I never thought I'd be the kind of girl who blogs about the guy she likes either.

Maybe while I'm being all Tutta Forza I'll just come out and tell him I like him, and ask him if he wants to grab lunch after class sometime.

Hmm...I'm not so sure about that one.

Anyways. I'm listening to Radioactive by Imagine Dragons right now to get me all pumped up to live Tutta Forza. It honestly makes you want to be as loud as humanly possible and fight through anything that comes your way. I couldn't tell you why, it just does.

I would like to go eat some supper now though. So I suppose I'll leave you with this. Live live loud, full force, full volume! Hit it and don't let up until you're on the other side of your battle. It can be exhausting, but at the end you'll be panting and smiling, victorious.

-Trumpet Player

     

Silenzio

Silenzio is a musical term refferring to silence, or the lack of reverberations.

Well silence doesn't seem much like music, does it? No, I would have to agree with you, it doesn't. Rests, grand pauses, breath marks, and other such catches in the music are essential, but silence? That's not music. It's almost the opposite of music.

And that's been my life for the past couple of days. Hence the reason my blog has been pretty silenzio. Last Sunday I figured out that my youngest brother had been hospitalized because he was exhibiting flu like symptoms.

"Oh poor bud!" I thought, but I wasn't that concerned. He was going to get some antibiotics, he'd be able to keep down a meal, no big deal.

That night he was sent by ambulance to the city where I'm living, three and a half hours away from them. I went to the hospital that Monday on the pediatric floor, only to find out that he had congestive heart failure. My whole world felt like it had been pulled out from underneath me. My musical life fell silenzio.

I paced in the hallway, praying. My Mom was having a meltdown, my Grandma was crying, and I just kept thinking, how is this happening? I mean, people always say that you never think it's going to be you, but it's always someone. But I honestly thought it would never be me. I knew what they said, but I figured that I was the one person that was right. It never was going to be in this situation.

I was wrong.

This week has been a rollar coaster. I've been going in and out of the hospital, and back and forth from school. On Saturday my brother went in to surgery for an artifical heart, and was put on the list for a heart transplant. The surgery went well, and he's doing alright now. He was sedated for most of the day yesterday though he was waking up a bit.

I just, I don't even know how to coherently express what's happening. Which is something weird for me, because I've always been able to write and it's always been pretty fluid. But my brain just doesn't want to think in any kind of sequential order, and I can't possibly write in a way that makes sense if my thoughts are jumping all over the place.

You'll just have to bear with me. I'm unable to break this silenzio and make a piece of music today.

But regardless! I'm still trusting in God, still believing that my brother going to get better, still praising my saviour. Nothing will change that. But things aren't easy or carefree right now. They just are. They just happen. I'm just taking one note at a time, and sometimes even that's too much. Which is why silence seems like the best option right now.

Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

I was at the hospital with my Mom and Dad all weekend. Me and my Mom migrated back and forth from a house they have set up for people with hospitalized kids, and the pediatric icu's waiting room. There was a lot of sitting, a lot of waiting, a lot of the Food Network, this weekend. The Pastor from my parents town came and he prayed with us, prayed with Austin. One of the Pastors from my church went and prayed for him. The children's ministry, women's ministry, my classmates, have all been praying on his behalf. He's such a loved little boy and I just can't wait until he gets better.

I had a bit of a breakdown on Friday, because I felt useless. Like I was just wandering around the hospital, forever and ever, around and around, unable to do anything but wait. Since then though I've really been feeling God's strength. Peace. I don't understand it, but I'm thankful for it.

I'm going out tonight for my evening class. Trying to keep a regular routine is critical right now. It's also helping to keep me sane, and it necessitates that I'm in the church a lot. That's honestly the best place I can be right now. On Friday I just wanted to go to church, curl up on the floor, and stay there until this whole thing blows over. I still kind of think that wouldn't be so bad, but I have to not run away. I have to be there for my tough little brother, for my Mom, for my family. God has comforted me for a reason, and I have to just--I don't know. Be a comfort to others.

Wow, so that's that. Silenzio. It's not so much that it's quiet, just that there isn't music happening. I'm sure you can tell. There will be praise, there will be prayer, there will be worship, and there will be waiting on God. But life might not be a symphony right now.

Okay--a word of encouragement.

Sometimes we need that silenzio so that we can finally listen to God. It's when there's silence that the band can reorient themselves, focus on the conductor, and prepare for the next song.

That's what I'm doing right now.

--*

*Today I'm not a trumpet player, today I am silent. Today I am waiting. Today I have the trumpet on my lap and I'm breathing, watching the conductor flip the page, and keeping my eyes on the baton. As soon as he lifts it the trumpet goes up. For now--we wait. For now,there is silenzio.

Tremolo

Tremolo:

A term used to describe a trembling/shuddering effect. The Tremolo is created on a violin with rapid up and down bow movements, or on a guitar by rapidly altering the volume up and down.

I would definitely describe today as being a Tremolo kind of day. What do I mean by that? It was kind of a shuddering, trembling, up and down, kind of a day.

It started as most days do. Alarm clock rings, I roll over and turn it off, and then proceed to pray and read my Bible. Then I put my face on, put my clothes on, go downstairs and eat, and do everything else to ensure I'm ready to leave.

That's where normal ends.

My appointed ride for the way to classes today happened to be Amoroso. Now, I knew that yesterday, but I waited by the door for him for about twenty minutes with my heart fluttering in my chest. I think I almost threw up my breakfast because I couldn't keep the Tremolo from out of my stomach. When he pulled up I casually stepped outside into six inches of snow. Being the genuis I am, I was wearing my high tops instead of boots.

"It's just from the door to the car, whatever." I thought to myself. And I clambered into his car.

He said that we would probably be late to class because it was slow going. Okay, no big deal. Well we pulled onto the road, and WAS IT EVER SLOW GOING! A ten minute drive ended up taking us forty. Not that I minded. I was in the car with Amoroso. I'm becoming a little less stupid when he's around too, which is great. I'm carrying on real human conversations and everything.

Then we got to school. And someone was stuck just outside our parking lot. I felt so useless while all the guys got out of their vehicles and tried to push, pull, haul, shove, and otherwise will his car out of the ditch. They didn't manage to, but one of our classmates called a truck to tow him out. It'd be four hours they said. We invited him into the school, but he declined. With a little more urging and the same response, we decided to get to class. We had to trudge through ever increasing mounds of snow until we got to the door, and though it doesn't sound like that much of a heroic feat, it was! Trust me. 

One of our teachers told us to pray for the guy stuck outside when we had come into class and I'm sure that more than one of us did. Then, odd event number two? Our classes got switched around on a whim and we just sort of had to roll with it. It wasn't that bad, in fact, it made the day go by even more quickly.

At break one of my classmates went and urged the guy to come in again, and he actually did. It was awesome! He sat with some of the guys in my class, and they talked about--I don't know. Guy stuff?

When classes were over I helped to take down some of the tables, and then I got ready to head off with my other ride. She's one of my best friends in the class, and she's the only one at our school who knows I like Amoroso. She does a really good job of making sure nobody else finds out too. I love her!

Amoroso asked if I was going to be getting a ride back with him, and I had to reluctantly admit that the other classmate was taking me. Well, he said, it was closer for him to drive me and in the bad weather it's probably be better if she didn't have to go out of her way.

"Okay," I said, trying to hide a blushing smile and thanking the Lord for the snow. My friend said thanks with elegance and class, and not a hint of the laughter that was probably welling up inside of her.

It hasn't stopped snowing all day, and we had to do another trudging experience to get to Amoroso's car. He was quite the gentleman though, and went in front of me and dragged his feat so I had a bit of a trail. He said I wouldn't be any less wet, but it was cute anyways. When we got to his car you almost couldn't see it. I wish I was exaggerating but I'm really not. The snow was up to the doors, and the roof and windsheild were completely covered.

There was an admirable effort made by Amoroso, but before even leaving the parking lot, we got stuck. And so did many other of my classmates. A whole bunch of us ran back through the snow, and grabbed a bunch of shovels to start digging eachother out. And maybe this is terrible, but it was actually really fun.

When I got home I heated up some leftovers, kickboxed, showered, got into sweats, and tried to study. But I ended up texting people more than anything. My friend told me her sister is sick, and she's leaving today to go and see her because she's going into surgery. Another Tremolo moment for me. She got there safely though, which is awesome. I was praying for her, for sure.

Then, things went from down to up. My Mom called and it was really nice to talk to her. She bugged me a bit about Amoroso, but that's to be expected. Then, somehow, we ended up talking about this whole gas issue that's been bothering me for awhile. You see, I didn't realize I should be asking everyone that drives me if they want me to help pitch in for gas. Which I'm totally willing to do, that wasn't even the issue. It was just that I didn't think of it. I offered my friend, because she drives me all the time, and then totally didn't think to ask anyone else. And that's kind of made me feel like a terrible person. I was going to get everyone that drives me regularly a gas gift card for Christmas, but what about until then? I'm just mooching a free ride? My Mom told me to do the gift card anyways, but in the meantime ask them if they want me to pitch in.

My Mom is my voice of reason. She makes what's sometimes really obvious, obvious to me, because it isn't always.

But I freaked out a bit because what if everyone thinks I'm a terrible person? I had to ask Amoroso too, and what if he thinks I'm a terrible person becuase I haven't asked about gas until now? I haven't heard back from one person, but I have heard back from Amoroso and he apparently thinks I still deserve to live. He doesn't even want that much gas money. And, if anything can be said for my paranoia about having this conversation with people, it has kind of sparked the longest text conversation I have ever had with Amoroso. I was joking with my Mom and said that I should ask him if I can make up for all the weeks I've missed by taking him out for a movie. Hahaha! Yah right. I think I'd die before I'd actually get up the courage to ask Amoroso out.

I also have been texting my sister, which is sweet because I haven't talked to her in awhile. We're the best of friends, so the fact that we have not been talking for awhile is unheard of. What's awesome, she may be able to bug me about Amoroso, but now I can bug her too. She knows what I'm talking about.

So anyways! Tremolo. It has been composed of a lot of ups today. The drive with Amoroso, the guy coming into the school, shoveling with friends, talking with my Mom, texting my sister, longest conversation with Amoroso. But there have been a lot of downs that have come with it. The roads are awful, the guy got stuck in the first place, my classmate's sister, the gas conversations.

It has all come crashing together to make a trembling that I don't quite know how to interpret. But even though it's been weird, and amazing, and tragic, and hard to deal with, all at the same time, it's a part of the score. It might be shocking at first, but it adds a new dimention to the peice that wouldn't be there otherwise.

So I'll thank God for every Tremolo that I have to fit on my page.

-Trumpet Player

Sonato da Chiesa

I wasn't entirely sure what to title my post today. I'm pretty sure there's no musical term for "confused" which is what I've been feeling, and not a whole lot has happened to characterize my day from any other. So, at a loss, I started "flipping" through some random terms on an online music dictionary and I happened upon Sonato da Chiesa. A collection of Church peices. Well that seemed to fit quite adequetly!

As part of my course I'm required to attend Church on Sunday. It's kind of like having another class, so we're supposed to be there when we can, and we're supposed to take notes on the sermon being preached. I attend both the morning and the evening service at my Church, and they are both amazing, so it's not a struggle to show up.

But things have been a little up in the air lately, and I've been doing a bit of a mad scramble to get myself there. I don't drive and there is no convenient bus system so it's particularly interesting to get to school, church, and extra activites everyday. God has definitely provided rides for me though, and I am so grateful! This morning I was able to get a ride with the Pastor who heads the course I'm taking, and a ride back with one of my classmates. Now it's just a matter of getting to evening service in two hours.

I talked to Amoroso* to see if he could take me, naturally. Just to clarify from yesterday, he does know that I exist, just not that I'm completely stupid when he's around. Either way, no such luck in that department. I asked the Pastor again though I haven't heard anything back yet. I also asked the classmate who drove me back and he said he could if no one else can, but I feel bad because he lives on the opposite side of the city, and it's not particularly on his way to come and get me. I don't think it's entirely out of the way either, but I don't know the city enough to say.

*If you're curious about this whole Amoroso business my last post will help to clarify what I'm talking about.

I know I'll get there somehow, I just don't want to ask people to drive me! I wish God would just pick me up and set me down wherever I needed to be, whenever I needed to be there. I feel so bad asking everyone if they're willing to take me. Being that I am an independant Trumpet Player, I don't really like having to be dependant on other people. But perhaps that's why I am. God's teaching me dependance, because in the grand sceme of things, we're supposed to be entirely dependant on Him. Still, it's a hard lesson to learn.

Back to Sonato da Chiesa though. It has just seemed to be that kind of a week. Everything has been part of this grand collection of Church pieces. Up until yesterday it was school, and some of the church activities I'm involved in. Then yesterday there was this function that we had that a vast majority of my classmates atteneded. It was SO much fun. We played some games, had some great food, and laughed until I thought my face was going to split apart. I was so amped up afterwards though that I ended up staying awake until midnight. Then today is Church, two different times, and tomorrow we start over again!

I'm quickly realizing that I want my life to be Sonato da Chiesa. It is absolutely what I want for my entire life, not just for this time in my life. I want to be deeply involed in the Church. I want to be there everyday, surrounded by the people that come and in and out of it every week. I thought to myself, maybe this is the start of God urging me into ministry? He has been turning my future on it's head, but I can't say for sure at this point. I can't even begin to venture a guess on what He's got up His sleeve for me. I know whatever it is though, it's going to involve some magnitude of the Church.

I know most people wouldn't think the Sonato da Chiesa would be the most exciting peices in the world. Isn't that like--a bunch of organ pieces and old hymns? Actually, Sonato da Chiesa were performed often in concerts for entertainment purposes. Ravennate Arcangelo Corelli performed some marvelous Sonato da Chiesa (like Sonato da chiesa in A minor, and the Sonato da Chiesa in G major) which were certainly not boring. They featured amazing violin parts which would appeal to any number of audiences.

I would urge you to listen to them.

I think a lot of the time "Church life" can seem like it would be boring. Organ pieces and old hymns. But the Sonato da Chiesa can be breathtaking, awe inspiring, entertaining. I'm finding that out every day! Maybe, if you haven't given the Sonato da Chiesa a chance, you should try again. Listen to some Corelli and get yourself to church. Who knows, maybe I'll see you tonight?

-Trumpet Player  

Amoroso

Okay, so I know I have neglected you for quite some time. I apologize and I hope that you can forgive me. If not you might want to keep reading anyways because todays term is Amoroso. Amoroso is an indication to play in a loving manner, to play with love. Literally--loving.

See? Don't you want to stick around to get the dirt on what has been so "loving" about the past couple of months?

Well let me tell you!

First of all, I'm officialy enrolled and participating in a one year certificate course that centres around theology. English translation: I'm going to school to learn how to love God. The course is amazing and I'm "loving" it. For sure! I never want to leave, I just want to stay forever and ever, plugged into the church, listening to worship music, praying, and learning! I've definitely seen growth in my life, and my spiritiual walk and that's so cool. That was one thing I was craving during the summer, one thing which I felt I wasn't getting. I was sliding into a place of complacency, which is so dangerous. It comes upon you and leaves you feeling drained and useless. But here I am instead, consumed with zeal and passion. And it's amazing!

My life has kind of been shaken up since last time I posted too. I'm living in a new place, going to a new school, getting hounded with some new feelings, and treated to a new plan. I had initially come into this course thinking that afterwards, I would contiunue on a particular track and now? I think God is telling me that I need to do something different. What? I'm not entirely sure but whatever it is, it's going to be great.

I've also been thinking about perhaps taking Benjamin (my trumpet) to the church and asking our worship leader if I can play in our huge sanctuary. The acoustics are awesome and I think it would be mind blowing to get to "perform" in a sense, in the auditorium. Where I'm living right now is quite quiet, and Benjamin gets muted because I feel too bad to blast him. But to play in an empty church, as loud as I can? That'd be fantastic!

So I've been playing my life pretty Amoroso in that regards, but I've also been feeling pretty Amoroso about somebody too. Which is crazy, because if you know me at all, I don't get caught up with this kind of thing. The most important guys in my life are my God, my Dad, and my trumpet. Which is why I'm going through all those ridiculous teenage feelings at this point in my life. And the thing that makes it even worse? He has no idea. I feel like one of those school girls who has a huge crush and thinks to herself "he doesn't even know I'm alive!"

Oh wait--that's exactly what I am! The irony kills me.  

I have been praying about it, but that's just been confusing me even more. I've prayed that if it's not God's will that something is supposed to happen here that I'll stop feeling like this. And I still feel like this! But that doesn't necessairly mean I'm supposed to go ask him out, you know? 

I tend to logic myself into confusion, which some of you may understand. I'll tell God, about whatever, "well God, if this is your will then make it happen" And something happens that opens a door for me to do whatever I was praying about. Then I wonder to myself, is this actually from God, opening a door for me to pursue Him, or is is the devil trying to tempt me and bring me to destruction!?! And honestly, God could open the door for me to go to Bible College and have it completely paid for and have it seem so right, and I'll still wonder if it's not actually temptation from Satan.

"Well that seems silly", you may be thinking to yourself, "of course if that happened you'd know it was God."

Yah, you'd think so wouldn't you? But that's exactly what happened with this course and still I thought, what if I'm making a mistake?

So imagine my frusteration when I have this puppy love, doe eyed, star crossed lovers, crush, and I have no idea what to do with myself. I've logic-ed myself in and out of understanding a hundred times in the past few days (when the Amoroso feelings really started to hit me), and now I'm just confounded and I have butterflies in my stomach.

I know that Amoroso feelings can come and go in the same song. You can start the peice by playing so lovingly that you feel like your heart is going to fly out of your chest, but by the end you are performing a jazz solo and wailing the blues. That happens. In music, and in life. So I don't want to do anything dumb. Maybe if I give it time I'll just find myself drifting into a legato period of life, and I won't feel like I'm being smashed against the walls by Amoroso. So I guess that's what I've decided to do. Wait it out.

My Mom asked me a question yesterday though, that made me laugh. "What if the feelings don't go away? Would you ask him out or just wait for him forever?"

"Well I don't know," I answered, because, like I said, he has no idea. And I don't really know that he feels the same way about me. So it'd feel pretty risky to ask him out.

See what I mean by school girl crush? That's what this feels like. I act like a fool everytime he's around. I don't even feel like the strong, independant, confident, Trumpet Player that I am! Trumpet Players can be really good at playing Amoroso you know. They can bring a tear to your eye, and make your heart swell inside of your chest. But I'm botching my Amoroso section right now. I'm trying to impress everyone and instead I just sound like I have no idea how to play my instrument.

Anyways, if you want to take a positive lesson out of today's entry it would be this. Enjoy Amoroso when it comes. There will be seasons in your life where you're loving something. Enjoy it. Amoroso isn't for everyday, every peice, every concert. It shows up once in awhile and melts you. Let it.

With that being said--don't be dumb. Play it right, or you'll mess it up. It's easy to make Amoroso sound like an empty, hollow, run of the mill, peice of music. Don't make Amoroso meaningless. Wait for it to come from the heart and you'll make it sing!

Trust me, I'm a Trumpet Player.

-Trumpet Player