Amoroso

Okay, so I know I have neglected you for quite some time. I apologize and I hope that you can forgive me. If not you might want to keep reading anyways because todays term is Amoroso. Amoroso is an indication to play in a loving manner, to play with love. Literally--loving.

See? Don't you want to stick around to get the dirt on what has been so "loving" about the past couple of months?

Well let me tell you!

First of all, I'm officialy enrolled and participating in a one year certificate course that centres around theology. English translation: I'm going to school to learn how to love God. The course is amazing and I'm "loving" it. For sure! I never want to leave, I just want to stay forever and ever, plugged into the church, listening to worship music, praying, and learning! I've definitely seen growth in my life, and my spiritiual walk and that's so cool. That was one thing I was craving during the summer, one thing which I felt I wasn't getting. I was sliding into a place of complacency, which is so dangerous. It comes upon you and leaves you feeling drained and useless. But here I am instead, consumed with zeal and passion. And it's amazing!

My life has kind of been shaken up since last time I posted too. I'm living in a new place, going to a new school, getting hounded with some new feelings, and treated to a new plan. I had initially come into this course thinking that afterwards, I would contiunue on a particular track and now? I think God is telling me that I need to do something different. What? I'm not entirely sure but whatever it is, it's going to be great.

I've also been thinking about perhaps taking Benjamin (my trumpet) to the church and asking our worship leader if I can play in our huge sanctuary. The acoustics are awesome and I think it would be mind blowing to get to "perform" in a sense, in the auditorium. Where I'm living right now is quite quiet, and Benjamin gets muted because I feel too bad to blast him. But to play in an empty church, as loud as I can? That'd be fantastic!

So I've been playing my life pretty Amoroso in that regards, but I've also been feeling pretty Amoroso about somebody too. Which is crazy, because if you know me at all, I don't get caught up with this kind of thing. The most important guys in my life are my God, my Dad, and my trumpet. Which is why I'm going through all those ridiculous teenage feelings at this point in my life. And the thing that makes it even worse? He has no idea. I feel like one of those school girls who has a huge crush and thinks to herself "he doesn't even know I'm alive!"

Oh wait--that's exactly what I am! The irony kills me.  

I have been praying about it, but that's just been confusing me even more. I've prayed that if it's not God's will that something is supposed to happen here that I'll stop feeling like this. And I still feel like this! But that doesn't necessairly mean I'm supposed to go ask him out, you know? 

I tend to logic myself into confusion, which some of you may understand. I'll tell God, about whatever, "well God, if this is your will then make it happen" And something happens that opens a door for me to do whatever I was praying about. Then I wonder to myself, is this actually from God, opening a door for me to pursue Him, or is is the devil trying to tempt me and bring me to destruction!?! And honestly, God could open the door for me to go to Bible College and have it completely paid for and have it seem so right, and I'll still wonder if it's not actually temptation from Satan.

"Well that seems silly", you may be thinking to yourself, "of course if that happened you'd know it was God."

Yah, you'd think so wouldn't you? But that's exactly what happened with this course and still I thought, what if I'm making a mistake?

So imagine my frusteration when I have this puppy love, doe eyed, star crossed lovers, crush, and I have no idea what to do with myself. I've logic-ed myself in and out of understanding a hundred times in the past few days (when the Amoroso feelings really started to hit me), and now I'm just confounded and I have butterflies in my stomach.

I know that Amoroso feelings can come and go in the same song. You can start the peice by playing so lovingly that you feel like your heart is going to fly out of your chest, but by the end you are performing a jazz solo and wailing the blues. That happens. In music, and in life. So I don't want to do anything dumb. Maybe if I give it time I'll just find myself drifting into a legato period of life, and I won't feel like I'm being smashed against the walls by Amoroso. So I guess that's what I've decided to do. Wait it out.

My Mom asked me a question yesterday though, that made me laugh. "What if the feelings don't go away? Would you ask him out or just wait for him forever?"

"Well I don't know," I answered, because, like I said, he has no idea. And I don't really know that he feels the same way about me. So it'd feel pretty risky to ask him out.

See what I mean by school girl crush? That's what this feels like. I act like a fool everytime he's around. I don't even feel like the strong, independant, confident, Trumpet Player that I am! Trumpet Players can be really good at playing Amoroso you know. They can bring a tear to your eye, and make your heart swell inside of your chest. But I'm botching my Amoroso section right now. I'm trying to impress everyone and instead I just sound like I have no idea how to play my instrument.

Anyways, if you want to take a positive lesson out of today's entry it would be this. Enjoy Amoroso when it comes. There will be seasons in your life where you're loving something. Enjoy it. Amoroso isn't for everyday, every peice, every concert. It shows up once in awhile and melts you. Let it.

With that being said--don't be dumb. Play it right, or you'll mess it up. It's easy to make Amoroso sound like an empty, hollow, run of the mill, peice of music. Don't make Amoroso meaningless. Wait for it to come from the heart and you'll make it sing!

Trust me, I'm a Trumpet Player.

-Trumpet Player