Divisi

When playing a band, or orchestral peice you may encounter a divisi. This indicates that those specific players (trumpet, clarinet, flute, whichever) are to divide into two groups. One group will take the upper portion of the divisi, and the other group, will take the lower. In my experience, it's generally a pretty simple process. You decide which portion you would rather take, and you talk it over with those in your instrument group. Most of the time, some want the upper, and some want the lower.  No harm, no foul.

But what if there are too many players that are fighting over a portion of the divisi. Especailly if there are only two players, well, then you have a problem.

 Explanation: I am talking about Amoroso and a mysterious, 'other player.' She's this 2nd B Flat Trumpet that is fighting with me over the divisi. (I am about ninety eight point five percent sure that she likes Amoroso.) Except, heres the thing, I'm not really entitled to fight over either portion of the divisi, considering I haven't even told Amoroso that I like him, nevermind told her that I like him! So how can I really say anything?

And then here's the other thing. I figured out because 2nd B Flat was whispering to a girl in my class after he left the room and they were being all giggly and stuff. I jumped in because I'm nosy and paranoid, and asked them what they were talking about. They said something about 2nd B Flat liking a guy and I just knew. It hit me like a slap in the face. But I feigned innocence, just incase, and asked if I knew who it was. She joked around, saying no, but my classmate told me that 2nd B Flat was lying to me, and we all laughed about it.

In the car with my classmate I asked her if it was Amoroso, because 2nd B Flat was getting a ride with Amoroso, and it just seemed like the appropriate question to ask. (Doesn't that just kill you though? We were following right behind the two of them and I could watch them in the car in front of us talking and laughing.) Anyways, my classmate told me that she couldn't tell me (which means yes) and I had to pretend that it was funny and I could care less if the answer was yes.

Which also means that I couldn't possibly tell him that I like him now! (Not that I was really planning on it anyways.) But even if I wanted to, I couldn't, because then it would seem like I am telling him just because I know that 2nd B Flat likes him and I want to be a jerk. Which totally isn't the case. But I feel totally threatened because I feel like Amoroso likes 2nd B Flat better than me anyways. Like, as a human being. I don't even know if he has any kind of interest in either of us.

So to answer your question, yes, this is turning into the dramatic unfolding of Trumpet Player, and the uncanny likeness of her life to a high school sitcom.

I don't know what to do though! I feel like grabbing him by the shoulders and shouting in a wild, frenzied panic "I really like you, more than I've ever liked anyone and it's really confusing but please don't tell me that you and 2nd B Flat are a thing!"

But I can't do that. Because it would be weird. And imagine if he didn't like me back (which is still a possibility). He'd come to pick me up, because he'd still be my ride because he's just that kind of nice guy, and I'd have to say "Uhm, hey Amoroso. Do you maybe want to pop the trunk so I can crawl in and die?"

Wow, gone are the days when my blog posts were intelligent, and witty, and incorporated a lot of actual musical knowledge.

Truthfully though, I just feel challanged in this whole thing to trust God. If Amoroso and I are meant to be, then it will be. If 2nd B Flat and Amoroso are meant to be, then they will be. I have to willing to let God work His will, because that's the best thing for all of us anyways. I can't get in the way, or be a crazy, psychotic, girl about this whole thing. I never realized what liking a boy does to a person though.

Before: Wow, I'm really glad that you are a well balanced individual that can communicate effectively with a member of the opposite sex. 

After: WHY IS HE TALKING TO HER?!?!?! *Sputters on the ground, making choking noises and dissolving into a puddle of envious goo.*

I feel like I'm living in a divisi right now for more reasons than one though. And I'm unsure whether I can make it to the higher notes of the upper range, and I'm unwilling to take the lower.

I've always been pretty motivated, and if someone tells me that I can't do something, then I want to prove them wrong and do it! But I don't always prove myself, and instead, I fall flat on my face. Sometimes, I get up and try again, and sometimes I skitter away.

I don't know whether I should take the chance in this performance, say to my cohorts that I will take the upper range, and risk falling on my face. Messing up the performance for, not only me, but the entire band. Or should I take the lower range, the safe place, my comfort zone?

If I pop up, I take the challange, and the glory. I might experience something amazing that I would otherwise miss out on. If I drop down to the lower portion, I might keep myself from making a fool of a bunch of people.

I don't know what to do.

Honestly, I'm not one hundred percent sure what I'm referring to. Just life. There have been a lot of hurdles to hurdle, and a lot of things bombarding me from every direction. And yet I still keep playing my song, and now I'm at a crossroads. I have a choice to make. Do I keep taking risks, popping up, playing high, or do I drop down and stay comfortable, tenderly walk in a way as to not disrupt anything.

You know what, I'm a Trumpet Player. I want to disrupt things. In the best way possible. I want to make a splash and let everyone know that I am here, in all of my glory! It is not my way to drop down.

I'm gonna take a risk. (Some of you diehard, devotees of mine are wondering if that means I'm going to tell Amoroso, and the answer is no. You're so silly for thinking that I mean this boy situation. I simply cannot be the risky, gutsy, Trumpet Player I am in this situation. I have to be careful so I don't hurt myself, or anyone else.) I'm going to do things that scare me, and maybe, just maybe, things will come out alright on the flip-side.

-Trumpet Player