Ad Libitum

Ad Libitum (Ad Lib): Freely, at choice, at pleasure. An insturment in the score may be omitted, style and speed are at the player's discretion.

Today, I made a decision to free myself. To start Ad libbing, and just see where we go from there. I've honestly just been so torn around by this Amoroso business, and I can't handle it anymore. Having my heart slamming in my chest everytime I think about him and B Flat, on top of the stomach roiling sensation I get everytime I think about my brother? I just can't put up with it. So I've decided that I'm not going to put any time, effort, energy, or thought into Amoroso. I'm not saying I can't be a friend to him, but I'm just not going to think of him as Amoroso anymore. He can be a French Horn or something.

Why did I make this decision you ask? Well, let me tell you.

Lately, he's seemed a little weird around me, and a little--how to put this--not weird, around B Flat. A small group of us from the class went out for lunch on Tuesday, and he sat by her, talking and laughing, and virtually ignoring me. Or, that's my perception. But I'm a girl, so, that may not have been how it actually went. But have I mentioned that she's a lot more forward than me?

Then we went and watched a movie with a guy from our Church. The guy from Church, me, French Horn, and B Flat. The whole situation was okay, but not an amazing 'I'm hanging out with Amoroso' situation. Because B Flat was there, and Amoroso was weird.

He drove me home, but not before picking up his brother. And his brother (he'd be a bass instrument) introduced me to some of his friends with a bit of suggesting/teasing intination. And I let myself run wild with that. "Oh my goodness, does he know that Amoroso likes me and he says that because he's teasing him without coming out and saying it?"

I know. Pathetic. I was home for about an hour before he came and picked me up for ministry that night. I was with the kids, he was with the youth, I didn't have to watch him out of the corner of my eye all night.

He drove me home, and it was fine. I'm on top of the world. Whatever.

And then there was this stupid video on some dumb social networking site with Amoroso and B Flat today, and it crushes me! Why? It's not like it was a video of them kissing or anything, but it kills me because it means they spent the day together yesterday.

And why should I care? I'm so fed up with being bound up by this thing that I'm just going to let it go. I'm going to Ad Lib. Stray off the score because the score is driving me crazy with all those stupid lines and dots. It's too complicated. Too much work. I'm done.

An Ad Libitum is generally written into the score and accounted for. There is a time and a place for Ad libbing. But I'm really not sure if what I'm doing is a scripted Ad Libitum, or not. I've just decided to do it anyways. Maybe I'm in the middle of a performance and I'm clicking my keys, and pretending I know what's going on, or maybe I'm striking out independantly in the middle of a great jazzy piece, and blowing everyone away with my amazing solo. It's hard to say.

There was a lot of symbolism in that paragraph. I guess I should explain it, while I'm ranting, raving, and whining.

If I'm just making stuff up in the middle of the piece, and doing my own thing, then I'm making a fool of myself while I'm supposed to be playing with the French Horn, and the B Flat Trumpet, and all the other instruments. Maybe, maybe, one day I'll finally be able to tell him I like him and he'll miraculously tell me that he's liked me all this time too. Maybe. And if I'm disregarding the score so that I can make stuff up because I'm done reading the music, I could be missing out on what's supposed to be happening. I could be messing up the piece.

But I can't really see how me obessing over him and B Flat is really what's supposed to be happening. It's just stressing me out. But I can't be liking him and not freaking out when she's with him.

Which brings me to the next point. If the band IS playing this epic jazz piece and I'm ad libbing, well. That's where I'm striking out independantly and leaving behind the confining, restricting, down right, scripted score, to show everyone how amazing I am. I'm striding in the Trumpet's favorite place. The limelight. As a result, I'm making the song that much better because I'm solo-ing when I'm supposed to be.

But even though I'm trying, trying to play freely, at my discretion, by my rules, I don't know if I can.

He smiled at me today as I was leaving class and I almost melted. Again, my heart was racing, thinking, maybe he does like me.

And I'm so sick of it! Stupid, gushy, heart fluttering, obessive, boy liking, brain! Focus on God, focus on your brother, focus on life, but don't focus on this. It doesn't matter if he likes her, it doesn't matter if he smiles or doesn't, texts or doesn't, acknowledges your existence or doesn't. Get over it. Move on. Ad Lib. This score sucks.

-Trumpet Player